I really hope you guys liked my previous entry (it was really a long read, huh?). This is the follow up.
So we stepped into the club and it was dark, noisy and reeking of cigarette smoke. Why people smoke that stuff I don’t know? I actually think they are cheap! They should smoke Cuban cigars if they want to appear fly but I guess they can’t huh? Then the guys that I was with (a couple of guys had joined us) had joined in the craze of the nicotine buzz. They ordered red wine which I didn’t even smell and started drinking.
I watched as some people were dancing and was really regretting why I was there. I was really pissed at the boyfriend who was cross at me for no good reason as far as I was concerned.
I watched him as he danced with the girl; I really tried not to watch them. Short of moving to another seat I had to look at them. At a point they must have felt that I was getting angry and left separately away from me. I guess to really dance! I got up after a point to go to the ladies and as I was finding my way I meet him on the way. The way he abruptly left who he was dancing with to attend to me was like he was guilty of something. At that point I didn’t care if he was sleeping with someone I was too angry at myself. I practically pushed him away from me.
I actually danced with 2 guys who were safe for me because they were friends but my definition of dance and people’s own are seriously different. What is called dance by the club goers is called GRINDING by me! So the boyfriend and his lady friend were practically together, dancing and talking throughout. I looked at them and thought they were perfect for each other. They danced alike and they seem to enjoy each other’s company. I felt like an intruder and told him so. I really would have loved to go to the car and sleep but I guess I am stubborn. Something inside me wanted to see everything.
Like I said I danced with 2 guys and refused to dance with him. I guess it was my way of irritating him. I guess it worked cos he later called me and we kinda talked. Only for him to get up and dance with the girl and her friend, we later danced when he grabbed me. I am such a softy, I shuffled a bit and did some stuff which is none of all ya business.
We went to another club which was cramped like a sardine tin. He did some things that I don’t want to write about. I just got tired and went to a free corner to be on my own. That was when I met a guy that led to me into another adventure which I would write on later. At a point I noticed that he was looking around, maybe he was looking for me maybe he was not but I couldn’t care less.
From that we moved to the issue of where to sleep and as a guy he decided where we would sleep and you can imagine where he chose. I could have behaved like a brat but I was just ready for the night to end.
So there you go folks the events as they happened (I might have omitted some parts but they are either irrelevant or too much info for you).
Now that I am through with describing the events I would like to write my feelings so guys get some popcorn and drinks cos this is going to be veeery good.
Some people might think I was acting like a jealous brat (like he pointed out) and maybe I was. I was already having a lousy day and I thought that he would help me get rid of the cloud that was threatening to rain on my parade. But he was busy grinding on some babes and making others comfortable. And you might say I wanted attention, DAMN RIGHT! I DID! What is wrong with that? Part of the benefits of having a relationship is for comfort (I think) and I just needed that…..badly. However I got something else. So maybe I am bitching here because I was so mad.
Who knows if I had been in a better mood I might have been able to take everything. I was also pissed with myself for a lot of reasons:
1. Allowing myself to be transformed to what I am not? I mean drinking.
2. For caring so much about what he did with any other chick. I have always strived to be the kind of lady that would see her guy sleeping with another chick and calmly walk out, set fire to his clothes and give him the boot. However I guess I am too much like the females in my family. We tend to use all our energy on our guys, transforming ourselves to be what they want and thereby losing who we were before them. I have vowed not to be like that but here was I doing the same thing and we ain’t married!
3. For actually going to the club. I should have demanded to go home earlier. I didn’t need to see some of the things that occurred or maybe I did. I got a glimpse of what he had been or is? I don’t know yet.
4. For letting my bitchy side show. I have always thought that I should have class and never allow my feelings to show. It did that night and I am so angry that I showed emotions. The classy thing would have been to walk away and stay away then they won’t have felt like I was intruding or acting like a jealous bitch and won’t have had to restrict themselves! (I am really sorry for my swearing folks) I am so pissed at myself. Maybe I was jealous not of her but of the attention she was getting. But letting my emotions show was so not my style, I am supposed to be an ice queen not some sappy love struck teenager!
After confronting my issues, I had to find a way out. My options were:
1. Quit the relationship entirely. However I know the problem is not with him but me and since I am not ready to leave the relationship it is not an option.
2. Separate for some time while I rediscover myself and get some backbone. It is an option that is looking good.
3. Stay in the relationship but change. Stop focusing all my energy and time on the relationship. Focus a large amount but get a life. Do things differently if it works then good, if it doesn’t then I guess it was not meant to be.
So which one have I decided to adopt? I don’t know yet but I am thinking and praying about it. I just want a chance to be me and not try to be someone else. I have always said I want someone who would love me for me and allow me to be just that. Whatever options I choose I just want to be true to myself.
I had decided never to step into a club because of this experience but I think I might give it another shot. However not with the boyfriend, thank you very much. I would go with my guy friends which should be fun (hopefully). Though the whole experience was not that bad, a few times when he remembered that he was my boyfriend he acted sweet and caring but that was 20% of the time. Watching him doing his thing felt good (at some point) and horrible, disappointing and disheartening most of the time (I am a confused female, right?).
I can’t wait for the boyfriend to read this. I can’t imagine the way he would feel but it had to be said or written (cos you all know I am a drama queen…..lol). Whatever happens we would discuss it and find a way out.
I gotta go guys. It was liberating writing this entry. I can’t wait to hear your comment. You can holla at me on my facebook page or 2go.
Till I get inspired or angry, I am saying byeeeee…..