Hi, guys. Some major shake-ups have happened in my life lately since I wrote my last entry. So let me go straight to letting you guys know about them.
My former friend and I are still not talking or greeting each other and my friends decided to take it up on themselves to stop our feud. I was practically lifted up and tossed into the same room with him. We were practically given a mini lecture on how we should not keep malice. Both the Muslims and Christians among them quoted the Koran and Bible on the fact that we were not speaking to each other. So you can say that they carried out an intervention on the two of us. Apparently he had said to one of them that he was yanking my chains (playing with me). I don’t believe him.
They tried to make us speak to each other again. Did it work? I don’t think so because it is so hard for me to greet him. I don’t think I can ever gist / talk to him like I used to. I don’t know what has happened but I just can’t bring myself to flow with him anymore. I think we have drifted apart from each other or better yet I can say that I have moved on from our friendship. Like I said I don’t know if we ever be that close again but I am going to enjoy my life in this strange land without thinking of any ‘soap opera drama’ issues in my life.
On to the next shake-up in my life; I left my laptop on in the next house with the page of my rough write up for my blog open (unknowingly) and went for some minutes to my own house. I had a feeling that something was not right with my laptop in the next house. When I finally appeared at the house, I had a great shock of my life. Can you imagine that one of the guys I roll with was reading my blog write ups (that I had previously hidden from them)? I was so dumbstruck and practically screamed when he showed me the page he was on.
I probably would have gotten over it but he started saying stuff about the fact that the things i wrote were not new to him. He was implying that I had a crush on my former friend. I tried so much to let him know that was not so but his mind was made up. Apparently I used words in my previous entry that must have misled him to think so. I was simply writing the way I knew how to but it seems to have misled him.
So imagine stubborn me, I showed my rough write-ups to another guy friend who happens to be the first guy’s roommate. To my utmost surprise, he started laughing some minutes after. I was really surprised as I knew that I am did not write anything funny. What was funny? I asked him and he kept on laughing. He finally started stopped and you can’t imagine what he said. He agreed with what the other guy said. I was stunned.
That was not the essence of my blog write ups. I decided to write these entries as a way of putting a little spunk into my life. I think I love writing about my life and what I call my 'take on life'. So if writing from my heart is interpreted wrongly by people I don’t know what I can do about it.
The feelings that I had that night were basically three. 1. I was embarrassed because I was not emotionally prepared for people to read it even though I was still going to put on the internet. 2. I was hurt. I felt that way because they didn’t believe me when I told them what they thought was not the case. I was so close to crying but I couldn’t allow myself that luxury. 3. I was disappointed because the purpose of writing that particular write-up was defeated. I wrote it because of all the comments the guys had been making but ended up making it worse and giving them more ammunition to use against me. The only thing they said that made me feel okay was that I was a good writer. That was a compliment I did not expect but I seem to be receiving lately.
I tried to make them see reasons why I can’t have a crush on him but it was useless. They kept picking words that I had written innocently as evidence of it. I couldn’t convince them without being nasty to his personality.
So what I couldn’t say to them I am going to write here. I don’t care what happens but I need a sort of therapy for my heart and this is as good as I am going to get for now. So here I go again. I hope that I would be able to convey my feelings properly this time.
Why I can’t have any freaking CRUSH on this ’now oh so important person in my life’?
1. He is involved in a profession that I think those who practice it are not worth my time. In simple English, I can’t date or even marry anyone that is one of them. I just don’t get the hype about them and I probably will never get it. Girls or women or every other person might see something special about but I don’t. No matter how great the person is, one of his colleagues would remind me of why I have never and will never fancy them.
2. He has some habits that while as a friend I can ignore but as more I can’t. I can stand the habits. For it to be far away from me is enough for me. I can’t have someone like that hold a special position in my life. It won’t work. We will be at logger heads all the time. We won’t be at peace so why bother?
3. I have lived a safe and fairly good life. I have never had to see a rough side of people. I have always rolled with people who were of like minds. Our mindset I can safely say are not the same in 80% of things.
4. I feel I deserve better. No scratch that, I know I deserve better. I have lived my life the way I have to please God and Myself. I think the person I eventually end up with has to deserve me and value me. I will not put up with someone who does not appreciate how I have lived my life, who thinks that I have a life that is not worth anything.
5. I am a proud independent chic who can take care of herself. I may be a tiny girl but I am a lot tougher than people think. I also know my worth and won’t put up with crap in my life.
I could go on and on with more reasons but I don’t want to appear as if I am protesting too much.
I will also be honest and admit that I may have once thought that what a great guy he would be to have if he did not have all the habits that I can stand. However he is what he is and I am what I am, I won’t change and he won’t either. So we were better off as friends (or so I thought).
I actually asked myself this question: would I consider him if he ever cleaned up his act and I am free? My honest answer was NO. A very big NO, no that is not right. It is a very, very, very big HELL NO!!! I don’t think I can ever get past all his previous doings. I will always have a mental picture of everything he has ever done and I know that I can’t live with that. I guess I may be petty but that is me for now. I might get more mature later on and acknowledge that the past is the past but it ain’t easy; especially when you are actually seeing that person living the past (which is actually the present for now). I think it might be easy if the person is living the past away from you, when you don’t know the person yet. I hope you all get my drift.
I have to say that I thought that I might miss my friend badly but I think I am learning that not every thing happens the way you think it will. What I am trying to say is that, I am better than fine. I am not saying that I don’t miss the friendship but I am doing great even without it.
I don’t know what would happen tomorrow, if something would force us to get close again but I know I ain’t holding my breath. I am just too precious. So I go about with a joyful heart thanking God for each day, my family, friends and those I work with. I will leave tomorrow to worry about its self and enjoy my ‘present’ which is the present day that I am living.
Hope I didn’t bore you guys with my yada yada. I hope you were intune with me and followed me throughout. Hopefully my next entry won’t be as long as this.
Love to hear your comments. Gotta go.
Luv Petite Diva.