A lot has happened in the past one and half month. I don’t know where to begin. A major problem I have had is with my computer. It is not acknowledging my internet modem and not playing any CD I insert in the drive. I have tried to use my phone to update my blog but it is not the same thing, I can’t write extensively. I have to repair it very soon; I am just scared of going to meet anyone to touch my laptop. I will want to stay with the person throughout which might not be possible. I am afraid of the fact that they might have to clear all what I have on my laptop.
I know I have to repair it because I have not been able to browse and update my blog which sucks. Anyways back to my life, it has been one heck of an amusement park ride with various highs and lows.
One high that has given me pleasure lately is the fact that my mum’s health has been restored (THANK YOU GOD). It has been a very challenging year but I thank God that all is well now.
Another high and also the greatest low I have now is the fact that after a long time/ short time I have spent on this earth I finally fell in love. I used to think that maybe I was weird at times but I guess I was waiting for that person. The only problem is that I fell in love at the wrong time. The person, I personally feel from my heart is right for me but it seem everything is against us. The circumstances are just not right. I don’t know why it had to happen this way.
I don’t know how to explain everything. I thought I was strong or very smart when it comes to this heart / love stuff and I could get myself out of anything but I see now I am not as strong as I thought. How did I get myself involved in this situation? I have no freaking idea. It started out like an adventure just to spice up my life and writing and now I am deeper than I ever thought I would be.
I have always had a clear view of what I wanted and I was not going to settle for nothing less. However when I am with him I don’t feel I am settling for less, I feel like I have everything I wanted and more. He is no where close to my ‘ideal’ guy. Everything about him is way off the list but I don’t know what draws me to him. I am hooked, line and sinker. I really need the strength to get over my feelings for him. I sometimes try to work up why he is not good for me but I forget everything whenever I see him.
I am actually going to try an exercise I recently saw being done in a movie (just thought of it now). I am going to get a sheet of paper, on one side I am going to write all the good stuff about him and on the other side I am going to write all the bad stuff about him. If the good is more than the bad I will have to go with the flow on this ride, pray for the best and hopefully I would have God on my side to help me to win. If however the bad outweighs the good, I seriously need to fast and pray so that my feelings for fly away and I would be able to cope without him in my life. I would also write want exactly I want from all this. OMG! I think I am growing up faster than I thought in this NYSC year.
I always ask myself how I got into this. Does he have a spell or ‘jazz’ that he is using on me? Why am I so damned attached and attracted to him? Like I said if I put his qualities beside the ones I always thought I would love in a guy he wouldn’t come close so I don’t get why my feelings are all wacked up. I have met and would still meet better guys than him but I don’t think that they might make me feel this way (I however stand to be corrected. Anything they say is possible). I am so confused and probably need a shrink to help me psychoanalyze my feelings.
So here am I stuck in this impossible love that everyone seems to think and feel that I should get out of. This experience might hurt me much more than I can describe later but I want to forget everything now and just enjoy the feelings that I am experiencing. I am not sorry for my feelings, I am just sorry that the timing is not right. I am forever grateful for this experience and would never forget it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I hope it would be full of great joy, peace and laughter. Lord, my future is in your hands, take absolute control.
That is enough yapping for today. Hopefully I would be back very soon with the results of my exercise and more insight into the world I am now living in. Meanwhile my former friend and I started talking and playing like before until recently. I am at a loss at what I did but I don’t freaking care. I am too old for all his nonsense mind games. I am not someone he can toss about. I should be the one angry but he is the one pulling the stunts now.
One of my girlfriends says that it is a typical thing that a guy who is in love with a girl but does not want to be does. He according to her tries to push her away. Whatever the case maybe, I am not interested in all that child’s play or ‘10 steps to win a girl’ crap. I am going to ride it out with him when he is tired and is back, I am going to bring out my ace card (in other words I am going surprise him BIG time). He is not going to know what hit him.
Well, I have to go now. I am writing this while on night call (I really hate this night call but a girl has gotta do what a girl gotta do).
Hope I can be back soon.
Luv ya, Petite Diva.