So this guy that I have known for a while and I kinda of got close recently (at least for me). What was the pulling factor (I refuse to say attraction)? I guess it was the fact that I could be crazy with him. I could say and be the wild ‘Mowunmi’, I could let my imagination rule, I could do and say anything and he would take it as it comes (not a lot of people can take me like that). He was easy to chat with, we had the same fears and we talked about a lot about things that I have never had the guts to tell anyone and he understood. He was like the male version of me, I had heard that statement being said before but never seen anyone like that but in a way he was 50% like me so I guess that was the attracting factor.
Then it happened, I started behaving like a typical female. I wanted to stay clear of men or boys for a while but with him I started to think things and feel things. I had a crazy thought, acted on it and that was my undoing cos it made me realize that things were way out of my control. I know I have had some crushes or feelings that went away after a while but this, this I had to work every blessed day to get rid of any feelings or silly thought that wanted to prop up.
Why? You might ask. It was because there are a million things wrong with anything working between us. Not only that, but there was no way I was going to put up myself for another relationship stress just yet. I would repeat the million reasons why I shouldn’t think about it and put my thoughts (I won’t call it feelings) to just hormones. Every word that was spoken during our conversations that could help me kick all my silly ‘fantasies’ were repeated more than once a day. So I decided to think like a guy and act like a guy (yes, I meant it: Think like a guy and act like a guy) and have a little fun. Enjoy myself, enjoy his company and just be free.
However I think I was fooling myself, no matter how I try I can’t be anyone else. He was good, he was or should I say is comfort, freedom for me, he is sweet and has got a lovely smile and his laughter….amazing. No matter how I tried I couldn’t help myself I still allowed myself feel a bit and that saddened and annoyed me. Saddened because things were all wrong and messed up and I just felt I made myself be who I was not by thinking I could act like a guy. Annoyed because I had a plan and it was getting all screwed up. I wasn’t supposed and was not allowed to feel anything for any guy right now. I just wanted friends that I can hang out with and just be myself. I wanted to fine tune my flirting skills (hey! Don’t judge me. I am trying to know my strengths and weaknesses).
In the midst of my confusion, I knew I had to get out or slow things but didn’t know how. However I didn’t need to bother my head about that because my over imaginative brain and mouth kinda of jumped ahead of my body and the situation and I said something that made us have our first awkward situation. I am so grateful it was on phone and not face to face. I probably would have asked the floor to open and swallow me.
We agreed that we wanted the same thing but the truth is I told a lie. Because given the right circumstances with a lot of things in place, I would have wanted more. Hey! Who wouldn’t? He is a great guy. However that would never happen in this lifetime, it might happen in another lifetime but I would never know. So I guess we would just have to take things the way they were. And even though he said he wanted the same thing i.e. the lie I feel that is a load of crap! But then I ain’t psychic so I might be wrong and he truly meant what he said but I just feel that is was a lie. I just i think that he said it because i said it first or something....i don't know (i am really delusional). However since Guys were made differently from girls and have weird brain cells….lol it might have been the truth and also we were supposed to have this honest friendship so he meant it.
So what am I going to do? My first thought was to avoid him completely but I don’t think I would that. I am tired of running. I would continue to be me so if our paths cross and they will, trust me they will, I would act the best way possible and if it feels awkward I would fake it till it is real. I am taking a big risk writing this because he might read this but I can’t help it. I am such a drama queen and I just love the attention…….lol. Besides you’all need someone to spice up your lives…*smiling
I love my life experiences. So what did I learn from this one? That I am me, complex, crazy, shy, impatient and still a female with all the hormones and heart. I put my foot in my mouth here and might have made a good situation awkward but I am glad for the past few weeks. Don’t know what would happen tomorrow but I look forward to my next lesson in life.
Hope you enjoyed my crazy write up and guys please don’t judge or think I am totally screwed up. Just love me for me, I ain’t perfect.
Learning to enjoy life’s lessons,
Love Petite Diva…..