Let me explain my reactions before someone thinks I am going crazy. I was shocked not because I was distraught that I had failed but because I had the premonition and a dream that I failed. So hearing the words was like ‘OMG! I hope I am not psychic?’ lol…. That would be a real disaster.
Then when I realized that it was necessary I failed and I started laughing. So when I told some of my friends, they were worried about me but I was more than fine. I had people calling me and wondering if I was fine. I told them I was fine, that I didn’t feel bad at all. I even called my mother to try and comfort her because I felt that she would be feeling bad. Only for her to try and comfort me, I told her that I was not feeling bad and it was making me scared. I felt that maybe I was having a delayed reaction and after some days I would begin to feel bad but it has been more than 48 hours after I heard and I still feel nothing.
I am quite happy with the way things have gone because there was going to be some issues (like serious integrity questioning issues) if I had passed. When I wrote down the reasons why I should have passed and why I should fail, the reasons were 1 to 10. I realized that it is not necessarily about the destination but about the journey. I knew something was off when I was reading but I allowed people to dictate my reading environment. My mother said that I am not worried because I don’t believe that the program is a do or die affair. She said that it is because I am not really interested in staying in hospital practice and I have bigger dreams that the benefits of the program could help me with. And she is right. She also reminded me that I had earlier said that I didn’t want to do the exams this year (and yet again I let people influence me).
I was too tensed and that probably affected my attitude towards reading. I found out that i was reading for exams and not to be a better pharmacist. And that was not what I wanted. I never started this course for the money or title; I just wanted to know more to be able to be a better pharmacist. What is the point of reading all the books, doing the exams and passing and when I am asked a question afterwards I won’t be able to answer (and trust me that is the case with most of the people that passed). I am now calmer and really excited to read again because I get to really read everything now and not skip any part.
I am probably excited to read again because there is something that I have been working on (for months now) and for me not to pass the exams I am now convinced that my other plans are falling into place. I can’t say much about it but I can say that instead of losing faith in God, I am more convinced that all things work together for good. And which is why for my future plans to work, I absolutely needed to fail and read again.
I am happy for my friends that passed but I think I like the journey God is taking me through. Most of my friends can’t believe I failed but I can, heck it is not every time I should pass. My life is an inspiration to people, if I don’t pass through some failures and challenges how then would I be able to relate to people who have failed in one thing or the other. The point is to rise up from the failure and kick asses and not go about sulking because you experienced one failure or the other.
So I don’t want to see any ‘I am so sorry you didn’t pass comment’ honestly it is beginning to annoy me. A friend sent a message that she was shocked and I laughed when I saw it. I appreciate the concern but the dreams that I have go beyond this exams and God has completely got it in control.
I earlier did not want to write this as a full post but I need this to be on record that I stated that I had some things cooking up before the exams because trust me there are going to be some major side talks later. You might not understand now but very soon you guys would.
The point of this post is that sometimes the destination should not only be your focus but the journey and what you learn along the way should also matter. I am grateful for the journey and what I am learning and also grateful for the destination.
That is all folks. I have a short essay to write and I am seriously searching for the right words. Apparently the right words seem to have disappeared but they had better come back and soon. I need to submit it very soon. I have a deadline.
Thanks a lot for stopping by…